It occurred to me today that there are days, like this one, where I miss me.
I sometimes feel like I am just going through the motions of my own life. Smiling at the right times, because I know something was funny, rather than FEELING that laughter take over my soul. Kissing the boo boo that needs kissed on my kid's knee...because it needs kissed. But not feeling that warmth that comes right up from my heart and flows through my lips to offer all that I can to heal. Hearing a heartbreaking story and saying, "that's sad", but not feeling broken. Or my biggest pet peeve of all, saying "that's funny"! Everyone should know that if it was funny, I would be laughing. SAYING it's funny is like giving a person confirmation that it is only funny to them.
I don't know what it is. Is it the repetition of doing the same things over and over and over...laundry, cook, clean, make beds, kiss boo boos, run, work? Maybe. Is it the loneliness of being virtually without any family, save a well-timed phone call or two here and there from my mom and sister? Maybe. Is it missing friends so much that if I really thought about it I could cry for a solid day? Perhaps. Is it too much rain? Couldn't be! I love rain!! I really have nothing I can put my finger on.
What I do know, though, is that sometimes I see me from outside of me, and I feel sad for "her". I feel like she has so much to offer to the world, and maybe, on this day, she forgot. I wish I could snap her out of it...but there would be no use in trying. On days like this...she just pretends to hear, but she isn't listening at all.
I think I better sit at the feet of God tonight. I don't know anyone else who can find me when I'm so completely lost. Plus, my track record shows that I am no good with directions, even those that lead to the me at the end of the tunnel. :)
I hope I can find myself tomorrow!
:) Goodnight.
