Even a healed heart bears a scar.

Tomorrow is January 2nd, 2013. January 2nd seems like a "nothing special" day.  I mean New Year's Day marks the end of the busy holiday time from Thanksgiving on, so what could possibly matter about January 2nd?  Funny thing is I think a lot about January 2nd.  

My first baby was due on January 2nd, 2000.  It was a hard pregnancy. I had the same condition that princess Kate has, hypermesis gravidarum.  I lost thirty pounds in a month and was certain that I would die.  I was partly right.  At 13 weeks pregnant, just after I had started feeling better, and we had passed the riskiest 12 week mark, Jayme and I found out that we were not too young for broken hearts.  We found out on July 5, 1999 that I had a miscarriage. 

It has been many years, and our lives have been blessed by two happy, healthy children.  I type this today with a smile on my face, believing that life is good.  But I simultaneously believe that a piece of me is completely broken, and will only be repaired when I one day meet that little soul in Heaven.  
 
Someone I never met changed my heart and my life completely. Made me compassionate and understanding of a hurt that is all too often disregarded as "too bad".  And good has come from it. I was able to be there for a dear friend when she went through a miscarriage years later.  She needed someone to know her hurt, and because of my first baby, I did.  I needed her too.  I needed her to need my story.  The story of my unborn baby that I miss so much.  How can you miss something you never knew?  Not sure.  But you can. If you know what I mean, then I am sorry.  If you don't, then you'll have to trust me.
 
I write more eloquently than I speak.  Especially when I have something to, I don't know, "deal with".  Shortly after the miscarriage, I wrote a poem about my loss.  This is just a part of it, and I post it in honor of the first little heartbeat that ever amazed me.  I read it now with gladness, and thank God for a healed heart.  But even a healed heart bears a scar. 

I Wish You Were With Me

You're still my baby boy,
you're still the news that came
and filled my life with joy,
and even though we are apart
I always keep you here with me
inside my heart...

...You're with God today,

walking down the streets of Heaven, 

you're with God today, 

at a playground by the sea,

you're with God today, 

and I'm glad that He's beside you, 

You're with God today, 

but I wish you were with me.

Happy New Year to everyone.  I hope we all have a blessed year with peace, prosperity, and perspective.  :)