to be called Mom.
I couldn't wait to have kids.
A few, at least.
And then I got a little knowledge,
and a little fear.
So as young woman I still wanted to be a mother, but someday...
down the road...
after...
As a young wife I got pregnant.
Unexpectedly.
And I cried.
I felt still so young myself.
And it would be a Y2K baby which was a stressful anticipation.
Computers and equipment potentially crashing as the ball dropped.
Due 1/2/00.
I called my mom to tell her. I think my exact words were, “This is going to ruin Christmas.”
And then I got sick.
So, so, sick.
Couldn’t drink, or eat, or swallow my own saliva without vomiting, sick.
I lost 30 lbs in 30 days.
I passed out in the shower.
Just once.
Mostly I didn’t take a shower.
I thought I might die,
and I made peace with it.
I got a PICC line which gave me nourishment.
And a pump that kept my body full of anti nausea meds.
I still had to spit in a cup.
But I heard the most amazing sound.
A heartbeat.
And that made it all worthwhile.
Until the heartbeat wasn’t there anymore.
Surely it was a mistake.
Could we check again.
Suddenly just gone.
When it had been beating so strong.
I couldn’t believe it.
After that, my heart beat a little differently too-
because a piece of it was missing.
Not just that day but every day since.
The hole is still there,
but then so is the compassion.
And the gratitude.
And the certainty.
And the strength.
And the love.
And the empathy.
And the grief. That never fully goes away.
That baby, the one that I never held, changed my world.
Made me a mom-
even just for 13 weeks.
Taught me that motherhood is joy,
and love,
and uncertainty,
and bravery,
and fear,
and sacrifice.
And that there is beauty in all of it.
That even with no guarantee as to how it all turns out, that it’s an incredible journey to be on.
I’m grateful that my story didn’t end with that first baby. Almost 9 years later I got to hold our beautiful little baby girl in my arms,
and the grief I had felt for all those years was redeemed in a moment.
Then two years later still,
we were blessed with the son that made our family complete.
The peaceful,
happy,
super baby.
The sweetest boy ever to meet my gaze.
I'm his forever, and he's mine, at least for now.
Motherhood is a beautiful, creative partnership with God,
And I'm truly so grateful for all of it.
For the three pregnancies,
and for
the 2 babies I held in my arms,
plus one forever held in my heart.
That's the one that helped to make me ready.
Really truly ready, and oh so thankful
to be called Mom.
Happy Mother’s Day.
