Here's Hoping

"Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all". ~Emily Dickinson

While I stand strong in my opposition to New Year's resolutions, I have to take a moment to honor hope. I embrace the hope that a new year brings, and I wish that hope for others too.

I have been thinking a lot about all of the hub and bub associated with a new year. I have never really understood it. I have never been one to go to New Year's Eve parties, or force myself to stay up and watch the ball drop. If I'm up, then I watch, but if I'm tired, I just go to bed. So what, then, is the reason for all of it? For the staying up late and the resolutions? I think it just boils down to hope.

Hope that the hardships of the past year are over. Maybe in this new year, we will find the person of our dreams, or the job that makes us feel alive inside. Maybe our marriages will be stronger, and our finances will be easier to manage. In this new year we have made no mistakes, and maybe we won't. We won't speak coarsely, or display impatience. See, the calendar has been flipped, so with that flip comes the hope that things will be better. Maybe the economy will turn around, or the housing market. Maybe the President will vote for what we stand for, and maybe we can stick to that diet that we started and failed ten times last year...because that was LAST year and this is a NEW YEAR!!

On a couple of occasions I have stood with my eyes barely open and, with my hands over my eyes, I have peeked through my fingers at life without hope. Just the glimpse was enough to derail my spirits and turn simple tasks into insurmountable burdens. It is not just being defeated, but being so defeated that there is no awareness that victory is possible. A world without hope is a world without color. Without joy. A world without hope is no world for me! So, if a new year is a celebration of a new hope, then I am all in!

This year I hope along with everyone else. I hope for closure on past hurts, and open doors to help me follow my heart's passions. I hope for health, and a happy home. I hope for confidence to go forth in the direction of my dreams, and I hope for the world to be a little bit brighter in the places that I touch. I hope that your world is brighter too, and that no matter what life has brought, that you embrace the power that hope brings.

When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
(Author Unknown)

I wonder...

I wonder what it's like to travel to a brand new place. I only ever go to Maine, or Tennessee. I want to GGGGGGOOOOOOOOOOO somewhere...lots of places actually. I suppose this will be what I do when I am retired because I did not do it in all of my young, poor years. I want to though. I dream about it. I see other places in pictures and I get so excited, and my imagination starts spinning these amazing scenarios of what it would be like to walk down that street in Paris, or to wander through that old cemetery in Scotland. I wonder...

I wonder what those people are saying in their foreign languages. I am painfully monolingual, but I don't think I would even be satisfied with bilingual. I wonder what they are ALLL saying. The Asian ladies at the nail place who keep laughing, the Spanish speaking people at the grocery store...are they fighting or do they just talk loud with all those gestures? I want to read the original Greek and Hebrew manuscripts that comprise our current Bible, and I want to see for myself which translation fits best. I want to know what translators for the deaf are saying. I watch them...everywhere that I find them...at church, at shows, at Epcot Candlelight Processional. It doesn't look like they are translating with word for word what the speaker is saying, and I want to know. I wonder...

I wonder when I will go home to Maine again. I haven't been home for nearly two years, and it feels like I may never go again. I wonder what my niece and nephew look like now, and act like. What my brother is playing on the guitar these days, and what puzzles my grandfather has assembled recently. Does my grandmother still have multiple quilts-in-progress in her upstairs sewing area, and is Wheel of Fortune still on at 7:00. I wonder if I can still park for free at Ferry beach if I get there before the parking guys, and if anyone would still want to play Pitch or Cribbage with me around the table on the back deck. I wonder if I would bump into my old friends at Shop and Save, and if there are other people who also will never call it Hannaford's. I wonder...

I wonder if I am doing it right. All of it...any of it? Am I making my kids eat enough vegetables, and am I love people enough, am I loveable enough myself? Do I talk on the phone with my mom regularly, and does my sister know that I miss her every day? Am I being too easy on the kids, or too tough? Am I asserting myself enough at work to make a positive change, without being so assertive that people wish the "new kid" would just pipe down? Am I making an effort to keep the people in my life that I love having in my life, and to pray for change that I want to help bring about in the world? I wonder how one person can make a difference...how I can make a difference. I wonder...

I wonder how I got this far. I wonder how much farther I will go. I wonder if I am paying it forward well enough. His love. His gift. I wonder if he looks at me and sighs like a patient, underwhelmed parent, or if he smiles and knows He did the right thing. I wonder if I will hear "well done"...I certainly hope so, but still, I wonder...

New Year's Resolutions...Not gonna do it!

I hate New Year's resolutions.

I hate them because people don't keep them. I hate them because people act like all it takes for them to be a new person is for 11:59 to become midnight. A stroke on the clock and voila, a new me!! I hate them because "everyone is doing it". Much the same way I refused to read Harry Potter or Twilight (at first) because I don't like when people ride the wave of the masses in to shore.

Resolutions, I like. I like when a person decides one dreary day in October to start exercising more, or to mail a letter to someone far away, once a week. I enjoy when a dad resolves, one hot August morning, to spend more time in the pool with the kids and less time at the office. I think life is a continuity of new resolutions. That's growth. And that's real. Because it happened when no one was expecting it, or probing them about it, or posting Facebook status updates and polls about what they should do.

But, at the start of a new year, resolutions are forbidden for me. No one is at a place of quiet reflection at the start of a new year anyway, and a place of peace and clarity is where resolutions should sprout from. We are catching our breath, loosening our belts from too much holiday food, and balancing the checkbook for the hundredth time as we marvel at how we afforded to buy all that good stuff after all. So I say, enjoy the fun, frenzy, fireworks, and spirit of hope and expectation that a new year brings. Drink some champagne, and kiss at the stroke of midnight.

The resolutions can wait until one quiet morning, maybe in March, when the perfect idea strikes.

You Make the World Happier, Amy.

The next person that deserves recognition for niceness is my friend, Amy. I purposefully didn't put her first because most people know that she is my BFF, PSM, soul friend, and I knew her being first would have been expected. I like to do the unexpected!

Amy is the nicest person that I have ever met. Literally. EVER. She is the one that is always picking up someone else's kid from baseball practice, or the bus stop. She has a random neighborhood kid, or five, making themselves at home in her house at almost anytime , and she doesn't even complain!

Amy is generous. She has purchased school supplies for her kids' friends without ever expecting to be repaid. She would buy her whole class donuts, or pizza, and would always make them holiday goodie bags and wouldn't think twice. She gives the loveliest teacher appreciation gifts and she gives them to all of the teachers, not just the homeroom teacher. I remember one year she gave them each a bracelet!! Bracelets? I am lucky to get a candle or an apple mug!! When we decided to go see Brad Paisley in concert, in what Amy deemed "the best night of our lives" (and she was right), we had awesome seats, and Amy bought our tickets. She wouldn't let me pay her back. She also always buys me my favorite birthday presents...a Pandora bracelet and charms, Vera Bradley tote and school supplies, a lovely lunch and pedicure...I could go on!!! But they aren't just things that she buys. They are thoughtfully chosen reminders. The bracelet came with a boy and girl charm to represent Taryn and Trevor. And the Vera Bradley stuff wasn't just stuff, it was stuff that I would need to feel organized, and professional at my new job...without her...for the first time ever. She knew I was freaking out about that. The cards that she picks out are perfect too! Always funny. Usually with pictures of old ladies and explanations of how that will be us one day. She knows my heart craves laughter, and she always delivers!

When I started my new job, and Amy took a break from teaching to tend to her busy family, she didn't even bat an eye when I asked to use the furniture from our old classroom. That was so nice of her!! It was all hers, and all lovely. I told her I would do my best to keep it nice, but you know how classrooms can be, with students milling about acting like they own everything...but she just said sure. I have been sitting at her desks, and offering my students a chance to read in her club chairs for two years. I love that she shared. I love that I have reminders of her around me every day. Teaching with her was the best time of my life, and looking around a room that is full of things from our room is one more reason to smile.

Amy does lots of big, generous, nice things for me...and others. But my favorite things that she does are little, and infinitely meaningful. She texts me things that she finds on Pinterest that make her laugh and they ALWAYS make me laugh too. She calls me when our favorite TV show is on so we can laugh over the phone together. She sends me a message when she is going out of town so I will not wonder when I try to call or text and she doesn't respond. She is there for me every single time. Whether I need to laugh, or cry, or vent, or question, or have a pitty party for myself for a minute. She never judges, never dismisses, and always makes me feel better.

It is so rare for me to find an "everything friend." I usually have my funny friends who never see my heart, or I have my "deep friends" who I am always there for but who seldom get to laugh with me. I knew right away that I had found a treasure in Amy because I can laugh with her and in less than a minute we can be crying, and sharing our hearts. Then, generally, in another ten seconds we are cracking up laughing again. How special of God to give me Amy. She is my sister. Born to another family, in another state hundreds of miles away, and placed carefully in my path seven years ago when I needed a sister, and a friend more than ever.

Besides being generous, Amy is thoughtful. She came to visit me in the hospital when I had Taryn. She was the first born, and for me it was a big, scary deal to be a new mom. She brought a gift card for dinner, and told me not to worry if I couldn't handle breast feeding (which I am proud to say I did, amazingly). And she has spent the last five years,actually six, making me feel like I'm not a horrible mother. The first time I needed her calming presence was when I was about 6 months pregnant and I had the realization that I don't really like other people's kids. This brought on worry about whether or not I would like my own, and Amy didn't waste a moment to reassure me that no one likes other people's kids, but I would love my own :). Then,for a long time, when our girls were little, she gave Taryn Nina's clothes that she had outgrown. It was such a help when things were not the easiest, financially. Plus, Nina's clothes were darling, so it was always exciting to get them!! One would think I would not still be needing the mothering assistance, but the most recent assurance came earlier tonight when I was ashamed that Taryn still has no Halloween costume. What kind of mother waits this long to get a costume? As usual, Amy was there to talk me down from the ledge.

I guess I am just thrilled to have a friend like Amy, and to know that people like her still exist. People who help just because it is the right thing to do. Who don't need a prize to be kind. They don't need to be paid back with interest, or even paid back at all. If they have the means to provide, then they do, knowing that what they have is not really their own anyway, and blessing others whenever possible. Sharing their hearts, and their talents, and their smiles. Making the world happier. That's what Amy does, for everyone she meets.

And if you threw a party, invited everyone you knew- you would see the biggest gift would be from me, and the card attached would say, "Thank you for being a friend".

Strangers who deserve a shout out

I just wanted to continue my celebration of niceness today, by pointing out the kindness of a stranger.

This one goes out to the lady at Walgreens who translated for me the card, en Espanol, that I was wanting to buy for my friend. I appreciate that she did not get upset with me for maybe sort of having to do some racial profiling before I approached her. I appreciate also that she laughed, and said I have good taste in cards. In addition, she did not lie and make up a translation (which I would have been tempted to do) but translated it literally, and accurately. I know this because of the last nice thing that she did, which was to turn the card over and show me the tiny print on the back in which they write what it says in English for those of us who are monolingual.

Thank you kind stranger. You were totally worth the price of the candy bar that I bought for you to say thanks! I hope the people in your life know how nice you are!!

I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.
Tennessee Williams

It's Nice to Know You, Jessica!

So, I am intent on honoring my "Nice-ies", those people who have been kind to me, when they could have just as easily...not. The first person that jumps out at me is my friend Jessica. Sure, she dropped my son on his head, but only because she was watching him while I ran out to get tacos. Ergo, she dropped him on his head because she was being nice.

But really, head trauma aside, Jessica is nice. We first met at Pine Castle under apparently difficult circumstances. As she tells it, every chance she gets, I traumatized her by "yelling at her" in the hallway when her miscreant 2nd graders were being too loud. (The first reason we know this is a lie is because I never yell.) Even though she was horrified by my alleged yelling, her response was nice. The next time she saw me in the hall, (the first time I even saw her since I never spoke, or yelled, at her before) was to apologize for if her kids had disrupted my class the last time they went down the hallway. How sweet is that? I didn't have a clue what she was talking about, but I appreciated her for being so thoughtful.

And thoughtful is what she has gone on being even all these years later. Jessica is the only reason my kids have ever been to Disney. She gets a certain number of passes each year as an employee, and she kindly blesses our family, at least once a year, with a trip to the place where dreams come true. But, that is the big thing she does, and I think the little things are even more amazing.

For years, Jessica has been my human GPS. I call her Tom Tom. I am completely and utterly directionally challenged. Jayme is an atlas trapped in a human brain, but he HATES that I cannot find my way around, so he is not easily persuaded to give me directions. But Jessica is happy to help. Plus, she is user friendly. She tells me to turn left after the weird fork that seems like a dead end. None of that head North, and then bear slightly north-east nonsense. She has taken my calls when she was out with friends, having dinner, home in Sarasota with her family for Mother's Day...you name it. And she never made me feel stupid for needing her directions to go to the same place, repeatedly. My new phone has GPS, so I don't need her TomTom skills as much, but sometimes I just turn it off and call for old times sake. :)

She brings me lunch at school at least every few weeks. This may sound small, but it is huge! You see, I have a twenty minute lunch break, but she drives out of her way to pick up food, pays for it even though I seldom have cash and end up owing her for next time, braves the school chaos on the way to my room, and has a lightning fast lunch with me, just to make my day better. And just last week, she stopped by out of the blue with a diet coke, simply saying that she figured I had a staff meeting since it was Wednesday, and maybe this would help me make it through. It turned out she was right. The staff meeting that day was a marathon, and I drank every last drop and chewed the ice as I fought to the finish.

Jessica comes over and spends time just hanging out at our house, which I appreciate like crazy since I am often not able to leave after the kids are in bed. We watch TV, Psych, Lingo, whatevs, and just chat. My kids love her too, and she is so nice to them. She has played hours of Candy Land, hide under the bed, and drop the baby (sorry, had to throw that one in there again) and always with a smile. Trust me, sometimes the smiling is the hardest part. A couple of weeks ago, she even came to watch Taryn play soccer on Saturday morning. Taryn was so excited to have Miss Jessica there!

Even when we just have family birthday parties, we invite Jessica, and she comes! She takes pictures, or helps me serve the cake, and plays with Trevor because he is addicted to her. :) When she went to Disney Land in California, she sent them a postcard! They were so excited for A) mail, and B) mail with mickey and his pals on it! It was just so thoughtful. She also got me a solar powered key chain that flashes "Jen", no denying that is the gift that keeps on giving!

Probably the nicest thing that Jessica ever did for me was to join Weight Watchers with me. I had been doing it alone for a couple months, with limited success, and asked her to join me. She said yes, and it has made all the difference. :) Thirty five pounds later for me, and twenty five for her, we are still going strong. I would never have been able to do it alone, and I am so grateful that I have her by my side at the meetings to sit with. We laugh a lot-mostly at ourselves, and we set goals together. They are healthy goals, like when we both lose five more pounds we can eat all the chips and queso we can stomach. See? She's good for me.

Thanks for being so nice Jessica! Thanks for always making me smile, and for helping me endure the days when I am doing a google search for the tallest building in Orlando just in case jumping becomes my best option. ;) I am so glad that you gave me a second chance after you imagined that I allegedly made a negative first impression. :) We have a lot of fun, but I also trust you with my struggles and let you see the places where my heart sometimes hurts, and that means the world.

Can't wait to eat Mickey shaped waffles with you next week...as your niceness continues.

Be Nice.

"Be nice". I have said it to Taryn so many times, and to Trevor about a million more times. It seems like such a simple thing. When I say "be nice", my five year old gets it. It means, don't take things without asking, and don't laugh at people when they make a mistake. Don't stick your tongue out at anyone, and don't tattle on someone who isn't perfect. Don't tell other kids that that they can't play with you, or walk away when they sit with you. Share. Smile. Forgive. Be nice.

I think sometimes we think that if we are not being mean, then we are being nice. I completely disagree. Being mean requires a hurtful act, but being unkind just involves the failure to act...kindly. And, one could argue, the failure to act kindly is...mean. To be unkind is to not take advantage of the chance to be kind. It is being...nothing. You know, just being there. Not smiling when you could, not speaking when you could, not showing an interest, not making eye contact. We have all said it, "I didn't do anything wrong." But sometimes, just not "doing anything" is wrong.

I can honestly tell you that very few people in my life have been mean to me, (besides Amy in high school who I am still traumatized from) but a small fraction have been nice. Being nice demands action. Smiling, saying hello when someone walks past you, stopping to hold the door when someone is coming with their hands full -even if they are far enough behind that stopping requires you to do some awkward waiting until they get there. If you let someone pass without being kind to them, then you have not been mean, but you have been unkind.

Don't worry, you aren't alone. I have been unkind too. I have been tired, nay, exhausted. I have been busy...so busy. I have been "have to copy three tests, drop off lunch to my daughter, unlock my car so that my husband can pick it up, stop and use the restroom, and be back to my room in 10 minutes" busy. And so, I have been unkind. I tell myself I am just so busy...but I have not been too busy to be kind. That's just an excuse. I have been too selfish to be kind.

I have been thinking about people who have been nice to me. The list is lovely, but in the course of my whole life, not that long. I am going to start a blog series on the nice people in my life because I think "nice" is worth celebrating. I also think that "mean" cannot be excused, and "unkind" should be fired from every job it ever has. Nothing has hurt me more in my life than unkind. Not even Mean Amy from high school who traumatized me. I have been embittered, jaded, judging, and insecure all because of unkind. I have felt like an outsider, and like I don't belong all because of unkind. I have likely made others feel that way too.

So, to my Nice-ies, those people who took the time to act on my behalf, thank you. You inspire me. You make my world, THE world, a happier place, and you deserve to be celebrated. On those days when my burdens are heavy, like carrying a 24 pack of bottled water and a three year old at the same time, you are my shopping cart. You don't take my burdens away, but you make them much more bearable. I adore you for that, and I aim to pay it forward. :)