How Embarrassing!

Most embarrassing moments. We have all had them. Mine still make me get that hollow feeling in my stomach when I go back and think about them.

There was the time in middle school when I fell in front of the whole school. I was new at the school, and it was an end of the year awards assembly. The kind where all of the students sit in the bleachers, the teachers stand around the perimeter giving dirty looks and threatening shhh's. For the masses to hear the speaker, a cheap PA system is set up for the principal to talk into, the kind where if she gets too close to the speaker it screams a terrible squeal that would make adults plug their ears, and middle-schoolers scream. Everything makes middle-schoolers scream. Anyway, this having been my first year at Benjamin F. Wentworth Middle School, and me knowing me as I do; I am sure I had been trying to play it super cool when I got called to the middle of the gym to get my award for who-knows- what. I jumped down from the bleachers and spun on my heal to head toward the bearer of my glorious paper certificate, when I my soft soled suede shoes it a dusty spot on the wood floor, and I went down hard. In front of the entire school. The students. The teachers. The cute boys. Everyone. And anyone who has ever fallen knows that no matter how super cool you are most of the time, no one falls super cool. Well, ninjas, maybe. Of course, everyone laughed, and I got up laughing too. I brushed myself off, got my award, and went back to my seat pretending to think it was funny, but seriously wanting to vomit. I remember telling my friends about the dusty spot, and my shoes being slippery. They had to know why it happened, and that it wasn't my fault.

That was my most embarrassing moment for a long time, actually. But then, there was my bridal shower at my mom's friend's house where I left the bathroom with my dress tucked into my pantyhose. No, worse, tucked into my body- shaper. Luckily, my mom's friend saw me on my way out of the bathroom and started pulling on my dress to free it from body-shaper-prison and cover my back side appropriately, and I laughed and thanked her...again, fighting off the familiar pang of nausea that comes when I make a fool of myself. Trying to explain what a hurry I had been in, and how that dress was far too long. That was it! It was the dress's fault.

Well, yesterday it happened again. A new embarrassing moment. I had plans to meet my best friend for lunch. I was super excited because I used to see her every day and now our visists are few and far between. We were supposed to meet at noon which was right when my 5th period class gets out. As soon as the bell rang, I dismissed them and went to check my phone for a message. Sure enough, there were several texts, "I'm here! Waiting in the car! Come get me. I'm starving. I'm going to eat all of the chips." I was so happy as I started to walk down the middle school outdoor hallway to meet her at her car. Then, excitement took over and I started a little jog. During the first few steps of my jog my left ankle started feeling a little pang. I attributed it to the suddenly cold day we were having. I have heard old people, and my husband, always say that old injuries can be achy on rainy or cold days. Anyway, one jogging moment I was fine and the next I was on the ground. There was no pain when my ankle gave out, so I don't think I twisted it or anything, it just decided to say "No. Not gonna work at this moment". It felt strange. I put my foot down and it didn't catch me...didn't hold me up. So I put my hands out and fell. There was no stopping it. It happened fast. Before I knew it I had rolled over on my back and was staring up at a twelve year old named Leo. He had a concerned look on his face, but clearly didn't want to get to close either. From a few steps back he looked down on me and said, "You OK? "Yep", I said. "You need help," Leo asked. "No. I'm good." As I stood up and the vomit pangs returned I said to Leo. "I'm fine. I have this old ankle injury...from when I played basketball. I tore the ligaments in my left ankle during practice. It really has never bothered me too much before, but I am getting older, and I have heard the cold weather sometimes makes old injuries act up". Poor Leo. His face told me that he wished he could rewind time and not be the one standing there when I fell down. His confused little eyes looked at me like I was a crazy cat lady. "OK, " was all he said. As I took a few lame steps toward where I need to meet my friend, I passed a few more twelve-year-olds that had seen my fall. It was between classes so there were a few kids at their lockers in the 6th grade hallway. "I have an old ankle injury, " I told them as I walked past..."but I'm fine...".

I have relived "the incident" from yesterday at least 37 times in my head, and what keeps getting me is their faces when I explained why I fell. Not understanding looks, to be sure. Actually, it was the explanation that confused them. See, they are 12. They get falling. They fall too. They trip, the drop things, they lose things, they get lost themselves. Falling didn't need any explanation. And when I did explain, that was when they didn't understand. Old injuries, cold weather, old age...what?

Now I have been reflecting on all my embarrassing moments, that aren't being deeply repressed, and I have seen a common thread. Every time I embarrass myself, I try to offer reasons. The dusty floor, going to fast, too much fabric, an old ankle injury. Isn't the real reason for all of my embarrassing moments just that I am alive? I am living, breathing, walking, talking, trying my best, and failing at perfection every step of the way...sometimes quite literally. So, I am trying to remind myself that no excuses or explanations needed. We all fail. We all fall. No need to be embarrassed. The important part is the getting back up.