I Am Who I Am

There are so many attributes that I admire in others. I tend to admire people who are nothing like myself. I don't think that is because there are no admirable qualities about me, but I most likely just take those for granted since I have them. I admire those qualities that I do not have, or at least not in great supply.

I admire women who are quiet. I don't mean silent, or keeping their thoughts to themselves. I mean quiet, in a way that is full of grace and dignity. Who, when they speak, you listen. You listen because you know that they are not an endless fountain of words, but rather wait to speak when when something is worth saying. I am not one of those women. (Just ask Jayme.) I dislike that about myself. I always have something to say. Some sarcastic remark, or witty little quip. Something to make myself laugh, if nothing else. I am sure that my friends could find this exhausting because I do too sometimes. Not usually. Usually I am giving myself mental high fives for how funny I am. But always, I am striving to spend more time being still, and gracious, and speaking less, but more profoundly. Telling myself to learn to wait to speak until I have a little gem of wisdom to share.

I also admire women who are uninhibited. Not crazy wild, mind you, because that is just embarrassing. More like brave. Willing to try new things. All of my life I have had this issue with trying new things. Basically, I don't. I don't try things that I could quite possibly fail. I try new variations of old things. For example, I am good at basketball, so I will play on a new team. I can sing, decently, so I will sing in a new choir, because I have sung in choirs before. However, trying something completely unknown is not at all exciting for me. Jayme went to this boot camp class at his gym and came home telling me it was the best workout of his life, and I should try it. Quite frankly, I should. But going to a new gym to join a public exercise class absolutely terrifies me. I have never done that before. Not even anything like it. I have no frame of reference, but my imagination immediately goes to the worst case scenario. One in which I can't do any of the moves, and I hurt myself. It's awful to admit, but quite frankly the thought of trying the class makes me struggle to breathe. I am in a constant battle to live outside of my comfort zone because I admire women who do, and I want to be more like what I admire. Those women who don't even bat an eye before they run out to try yoga or join a zumba class, or sky dive. I have to think they are living life to the fullest, while I am living life safely in my mind.

I admire people who are organized. I am SO not. I have multiple junk drawers in the house, and I hate them. I organize them regularly, but an organized junk drawer is sort of an oxymoron. I mean, wasn't the junk drawer born out of a need for a place to throw everything that doesn't have a rightful place? I say yes. But still, having three is too many, and surely most of that stuff could be made to have a rightful place, or could be thrown out. I know it. And I fail to fix it. That makes me so disappointed in myself. I know, this is a bit dramatic, but that's my way. Disappointed in myself over my multitude of junk drawers, when there are so much bigger things for me to focus on. The junk drawers are just symbolic though. Symbolic of the unkempt areas of my life that I want to be better at keeping control over. So even as I reorganize my junk drawers for the twentieth time, I admire those people that I know exist, for whom junk drawers are just myths. They have a place for everything, and everything in its place. They are what I long to be.


I could go on for years, I admire women who are good cooks, and mothers who hide zucchini in the brownies to make sure their kids get enough veggies. I admire people who run in the rain just because if they didn't they would miss their work out for the day and that would drive them crazy. I admire people who can have a face to face confrontation without getting emotional, or who can express themselves verbally. I generally find myself wanting to say, "hold on, I would like to continue this disagreement but could we do it in writing, please?" In real life, that doesn't generally fit into the plan.

So what to do? Well, all that I can come up with is to keep appreciating and recognizing things in others that I admire. And honor them for those qualities, rather than silently appreciating them. I need to strive to add some of those qualities to my life, all the while realizing that I am me. I can watch Julia Childs on TV, but can never be Julia Childs. I could go skydiving, but I would hate every minute of it until it was over (at which point I would brag excessively about my bravery). I am who I am. I can be better. I can organize the junk drawers, and I can try new things when they aren't unreasonably risky, but I can't ignore the "Jen Blueprint" that God designed me with. Continue growing, reading, learning, and keep challenging myself to be the best version of me that I can be, and learn to be satisfied with that.