The toughest thing...

By far, the toughest thing that I have ever done is to be a Christian.

It sounds stupid, because I live in the good old USA where it is pretty much the norm to be a Christian, but it is SO hard.

I mean, hard to be it. Hard to live it, love it, believe it. Not hard to say it, almost everyone I know says it. But it's hard not just to let it be something I know about in my head, but feel completely removed from. The problem with familiarity is that it leads to a lack of effort. Christianity is very familiar to me. But if I stop putting effort into it, then I fail drastically. One thing Jesus did was always put effort into everything. Every word, every thought, every prayer was fruitful. It was always to accomplish some purpose. Jesus didn't do things halfheartedly. He never rolled his eyes and said, "Whatever". The man sweat blood.

And that reminds me of another thing that is hard. Keeping Jesus real. Knowing that he is not just a cute story on a page. Because after a while, that is what my brain wants to reduce him to. I have many friends from my past who were once Christians, but now they are...not. And I get it. The work it takes to stay in that place where the Bible speaks to me new and fresh every time, and where my heart is willing to love despite my selfish nature wanting to scream, "ME ME ME ME ME!" And not judging Jesus by the people (Christians) who so suck at representing him...just like I often so suck at representing him. So, so hard.

I fail at loving people all the time. But "they know we are Christians by our love", and we should "love our neighbor as ourselves". This means every time I fail at that, I am failing let my life point to Christ. That means most of the time I completely stink at Christianity. That's what makes it so hard.

Ghandi once said, "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ". Sadly I agree. I am a Christian and I don't like us. How are so many of us so unlike our Christ? How am I so unlike my Christ? It sometimes overwhelms me with sorrow. I say things that I should not say. I think things that I should SO not think. But, I know my Lord. I remember those quiet times, those worshipful times, those funny times when I have heard from God, and I know that He is who he says that he is. I know that He is worth all of the effort it takes to love people, to humble myself and serve when I do not want to.

And as hard as it is, there is no greater happiness than the way that my life works when it is in line with God's word and who he made me to be. So, being is a Christian is the hardest thing I have ever done, but I have learned that the most precious things in my life are the things that I had to work the most at. This is no exception.