Regrets

My biggest regret in life is not going to grad school. I know, I know, it's not too late. It certainly feels too late. We are already paying for college AND grade school for two kids, and I am working full time. I go browsing the internet for online master's degrees in guidance counseling frequently enough that I am now avoiding emails and cell phone calls from at least six universities that I had to give my information to in order to see anything about their programs. I am sure that they are confused since I went looking for THEM as to why I am now off the grid and refusing to talk to them. I have faith that they will figure it out soon enough.

Regrets are interesting. Some people get paralyzed by regrets. They live in the misery of all of the things they wish they hadn't done, or in wondering how things would have been different "if only". Don't get me wrong, I completely understand. Some regrets are huge. People live with choices that caused them to lose their families, miss seeing their kids grow up, or hurt other people. They are haunted by wondering if doing something different could have saved a loved one from some terrible thing. My choice to not go to grad school only hurt me, and its kind of a luxury anyway. Hurting other people, that would be a whole other story. Have you seen the commercial of the guy who killed three kids texting "I love you" to his wife while driving? Nauseatingly enormous regret.

Anyway, despite my lack of big earth shaking regrets, I do have lots of little every day regrets. I already regret that I didn't have breakfast today. I am feeling hungry and cranky and I think an egg would have helped. I regret comparing my arguing children to birds in a cockfight yesterday. How rude! I regret telling Taryn, and I quote myself here, "Stop joking, and stop smiling." Except for being coffin side at a funeral, that is always terrible advice. Especially for my SEVEN year old. I cannot even stand myself sometimes.

I have decided that regrets are like a potato, po-tah-to kind of deal. We might have the huge ones that follow us through life like Eeyore's own personal dark cloud follows him. But we also might have the millions of little ones. Some of us regret a wild life that was filled with too many chances, while others might regret always playing it safe. Some people partied too much in college, and it took them 8 years to graduate. Others of us studied too much in college, only to end up NOT going to grad school anyway- so what was it all for? OK, that last one might have been about me. The point is, either way, none of us get it perfectly right all the time. Some stay at home moms regret not pursuing their career passions, while working moms regret missing their kids' first steps. Even kids have regrets. Trevor cried like a maniac the other day because of regret. I asked him to go put his shoes on. He didn't want to, so I offered to time him. (Side note:I will terribly miss when timing them no longer makes them run off and do what I asked). He passed up on the chance to be timed because he didn't want to get off the computer, but when I turned it off anyway, and still sent him after his shoes he cried like a maniac. "I want to be timed. I want to be timed." Poor kid. Regrets can be hard to face.

Maybe all we can do is learn from our regrets, and keep adjusting our lives like the tuner on the old radios, back and forth, back and forth, until we find that balance we can live with. This morning when I asked Trevor to get his shoes while I timed him, he jumped at the chance. He learned from yesterday's regret. Tomorrow, I will eat that egg. I too, have learned. :) It may be impossible for the big regrets to ever go away, but maybe we can give them a purpose. We can let other people can learn from our regrets instead of keeping them hidden to fester and torment us way down deep in their hiding places. I am sure that is the whole point of that heartbreaking commercial about texting while driving. I have learned from that man's enormous regret, and I will not text and drive. I am thankful that I don't have to learn the lesson first hand. Second hand is always better when it comes to painful lessons. Prayers for wisdom help too, and for forgiveness, and an ability to forgive myself. That is usually the hardest part. And if regrets can be fixed- I say fix them. Like if your biggest regret is not going to grad school, for example. :)