Preemptive apology to all morning people. There is nothing wrong with you. It's me. You're smart enough, good enough, and gosh darn it, people like you.
I never thought I had trust issues. I took people at their word, and at face value. I believed that they were who they claimed to be, and I was pleased to meet them. Then I met a morning person. All chipper, and sing-songy with a big bright smile. I had a couple of thoughts bounce through my absolutely-NOT-a-morning-person brain. First, this person is definitely hiding something. It is big, and bad, and if anyone finds out what it is then it will have a negative, life-altering, impact. Second, this person is taking something, and needed a prescription to get it. There is just no possible way that there could be actual, genuine, real adult people who want to laugh, and say words before 8:00 in the morning.
If a morning person is a real species, then fine. I can "accept" that (with a large helping of skepticism). I do, however, have a few things that I would like this creature to know. First, I find you to be overwhelming and uncalled for. Please don't impose your ridiculous happiness on me before I am ready for it. If I walk by and smile without speaking, count your blessings, that is me practicing good manners. And for the love of all that is good, don't ask me questions. I don't want to talk to you. It's not personal. I don't want to talk to anyone. In fact, I find the thoughts in my own head annoying. If you want me to hate you, then by all means, tell me that I look tired. What have you got to lose? Not anything really since you are already at the bottom of my list just for existing. Understand this, I don't just look tired; I am tired. More than that, I am a slight bit angry. Every morning, regular people are angry. The alarm is noise pollution -jolting us out of a peaceful slumber. The shower is offensively wet, and cold to our previously cozy bodies. The toothbrush is violently rushing around our mouths, with an invigorating, minty taste that defies the effort that our bodies are making to stay as close to asleep as possible, while still moving.
I know how this sounds- harsh, and unhappy. The truth is that we are not either of those things. We just don't feel our normal, optimistic, relationship loving selves until a little bit later than you. Don't feel bad for us. Truth be told, when we see you we think that if we were you (no offense) we would want to jump off a cliff. We aren't envious of you. We think that you are lost souls. Hypocrites even. Trying way too hard to fool the world. We are perfectly content to be cordially quiet, doing what life requires of us until we legitimately feel awake, and ready for company. If you can respect us for that, and reign in your enthusiasm for a bit, then we can try to trust that you are more than just pretenders. We will believe that your smile is real, and we will try to appreciate you. You know what would help us go a long way toward appreciating you? Since you are up, and "grabbing the bull by the horns", maybe put on a pot of coffee for the rest of us?
Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious.
William Feather
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