Playing Opossum

So, I had a strange day this past Saturday. I left around 8 in the morning to get a cup of coffee at 7-11. Normally I just make my own, but I had to get a couple of other things so I figured I would grab coffee too. Just beyond our driveway, in the very center of our little neighborhood street, lay an opossum which appeared to be dead. I am no fool, however. And knowing what I do about opossums, and really cool dogs, I know that they play dead often. I smiled and shook my head at that wily little opossum. "Well played sir, well played".

I drove to 7-11, chatted with the nice cashier that works there, got my coffee and other sundries, and drove home. That opossum was still playing dead in the middle of our street. Normally I feel bad for road kill, but I knew as soon as I felt bad for this guy he would jump up, yell "BOOM, GOTCHA!", put on his top hat and (with a wink) dance away. So I smiled at him as he lay there. "You're not gonna get me, Opossum Pretending to be Dead," I thought. That's what I named him. I went inside, cooked breakfast for the family, played Candy Crush Saga a time or ten, and then went back out to do some laundry. Would you believe that opossum was still there? Method actor? Very committed? I began to doubt it. I decided, begrudgingly, that the opossum previously known as The Opossum Pretending to be Dead, was actually just dead. Sad, I thought. We were sort of friends.

About an hour later, my mother in law came over to get the kids for some play time at her house. By now someone had moved Dead Opossum Previously Known as Opossum Pretending to be Dead into the edge of the neighbor's grass. As my mother in law closed the door with my kids securely inside she said, "What do you think that is dead in the grass there?" I told her it was an opossum, and I had noticed it dead in the street earlier that day. She was relieved that it wasn't the neighbor's little dog, as was I. Then she said to me, "It needs to be buried". She didn't tell ME to bury it DIRECTLY, but she said it like the Godfather, so I got her point. I responded that the city sends people around to get the road kill, and her answer to me was, "Yeah, but that's expensive." I speak mother in law. You may not, so please, allow me to translate. What that meant was, "YOU, should grab a shovel, go scoop up that stiff, dead, smelly opossum, dig a nice hole for it, and bury it to save the TOWN money". So many thoughts were running through my head at once. Firstly, I did not even create this road kill, nor is it on my property. Second, do I actually have some obligation to save the town money? Also, do my taxes cover this, because if so, they I am have already paid for this and can't save the money that I have already paid, can I?

Somewhere, amid all of my confusing thoughts is when I decided that my mother in law might hate me. We have always had a good relationship. She's an awesome lady, loves her grandchildren, raised a good man for me to marry. I didn't even know that we were having issues in our relationship...until then. I don't think anyone can say that their mother in law hates them, with any certainty, unless they have had it suggested to them that they bury road kill to save the town money. That may be mother-daugther-in-law rock bottom. I have been asking around. I was thinking about starting a club of people who have also had their in-laws suggest they bury random road kill. To date I have found no one else to join me. It's lonely at the top, they say. Apparently, it is also lonely at rock, roadkill, bottom. Strange day indeed. Don't worry, by late afternoon, Dead Opossum Previously Known as Opossum Pretending to be Dead was gone. Presumably taken away by Animal Control's Roadkill Division, or maybe just buried by that other person out there who's mother-in-law has lots of great ideas for how they should spend their Saturday. If it be the latter, call me. We can start a club.

:)